ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.