My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Lol
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?