Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids