Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.