before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
bad news gang
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.