GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.