My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
You Might Also Like
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
buys donuts instead
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time