Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”