If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.