After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist