[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.