My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Never be a pizza!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.