Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
You Might Also Like
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.