They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
WHY would you be happy about this?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.