Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Sign at work today
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”