Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.