I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me trying to reach for my goals
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.