me
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Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi