An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
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Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.