You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad