My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I don’t make the rules sorry
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
That earthquake could have been an email.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time