He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
three things we don’t talk about
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday