My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
smh
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.