Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop