Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
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At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
crying
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”