My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
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Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Previously On Persistence 😎
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.