“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Meow
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Breaking news:
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power