today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
This kid is going places
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process