normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
(yawn)
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Cause of death: Zumba
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet