[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?