Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
You Might Also Like
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Tell the colonel to bring it
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Doctors texting each other.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time