My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Worst Native American name ever.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Why font matters.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful