My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
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I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?