I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.