ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Friday
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
and now we wait
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.