I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.