The game has officially changed 😎
You Might Also Like
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
That’s enough internet for the day
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.