I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
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The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.