I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
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Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories