My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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1.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
<- sleeps well with others
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.