Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
He-man has a Masters degree
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly