Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Midwest trash talk
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
3% human
97% stress
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf