[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!