A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Good morning
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
is this a threat
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay