If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless