My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
tell em, edith-anne
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣