Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’