Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
#NoRestForTheWicked
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.