It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.