5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
At least my masseuse has my back.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?